Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Rage Against the Machines: An essay on my condition.

If you are a close aquantance of mine, perhaps you have heard me curse the Machines.
"I HATE machines!" is how it usually comes out, and on occasion "This (insert name of contraption) hates me!" is the phrase of choice. Why is this? Well, yet another random experience today has prompted me to further elaborate the phenomenon. More on that experience later (its in the phone category).
Through the years, I have had many a bad experience with the Machines. Every machine and/or electronic mechanism I am in regular contact with is eventually destroyed or affected in some way or another. Sometimes I try to get help, and you wouldn't believe the amount of "I've never seen that before..." responses I have gotten. Let me give you a brief history of some major occurrences.

First, lets start with cars, the bane of my existence. Before my mission, there were two vehicles at my disposal; The 'rent's giant Suburban, and a nice red Mitsubishi Eclipse I affectionately titled "The Red Devil." Both swell vehicles. First, I backed the Suburban into a concrete island. Then, the Eclipse's transmission totally self-destructed in the middle of a turning lane. Another time, I nailed the side of the Eclipse into a big light post, and yet another I hydroplaned the Eclipse into someone else's Suburban, right into the trailer hitch. Finally, I very nearly totalled our Suburban-tank (quite an accomplishment!) by smashing into a turning car at a four way light (his fault, I had a yellow light. The air bag hurt my arm). Besides the fact that my licence was revoked for a month, I personally REFUSED to drive for about 8 months after that. I know, I know. Up to that it just looks like I am a horrible driver. Well, upon coming home from my mission, I have driven the same Oldsmobile Alero for about 4 years without me (keyword) wrecking the thing.
BUT...
I have had my power steering go out on me, had two different electric windows die on me, had my brother head-butt one rear view mirror out, replaced lights twice, replaced my windshield from rock chips (and recently received another big chip), my windshield liner is falling off, my roof light is falling off, and I have replaced nearly every major organ in the engine (as well as each tire) once or twice. Some of these things happened one right after the other. Oh yeah, and my good buddy Becky slid on the one patch of snow we hit on a drive from Nebraska and slid into a side rail, bashing in the trunk. (Still love ya, Beck! I dedicate Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" to you!) I think that's it with cars... All this doesn't even include the multitude of wrecks I have been a part of as a passenger.
Not convincing enough? Just bad luck/horrible driving you say? EVIDENCE! Check this...


Bring the news here! That's right folks...this condition exists. Like "Joe Fowchatano" I too have have a magnetic problem, a real life "Be Kind, Rewind" if you will. Maybe an inner EMP. Even trying to link these youtube clips the computer froze, of course.

While cars may take the award, many other Machines have I battled with in my day. Rory and Lee can attest to my horrible video game prowess. (They hate me.) Aside from that, I have had games stop working and/or freeze numerous times, and occasioally start doing something different all together. "I have never seen it do that!" says the bystander.

DVD's and their associated players constantly stop working on me. They skip and freeze, they change chapters on their own. Sometimes I go to a certain chapter and it plays a completely different one, even when tried over and over. I have also had DVD's play completely different MOVIES on me before! Satelites stop, things don't record, remotes don't work. I had one of the very first MP3 players made, before the iPod juggernaut. That sucker up and died on me one day, and was never revived. My current iPod is actually quite trusty (knock on wood), but the iTunes constantly slaps me around.

Computers are a whole different beast. Watch this.

video

Did you see it?? When I breath in, the lighting wigs out! It's like I sucked out the power! I took that just today!
My co-workers and family can attest to my destruction of the computer. At work they stop functioning, do weird things, and at home they do the same. The internet is a battlefield. When I sit down to it, something goes wrong, and that is a saddly unexatterated fact. My dad has had to replace our computer well over ten times because of it frying (Not joking). And don't get me started about printers. As we speak the mouse is fritzing on me, which I am now used to.

Last year me and Cass flew to Nebraska for a wedding. I tried to rent a car, but wouldn't ya believe it? My social security number WOULD NOT work. Why? Nobody knows. "I've never seen that before" they said. Gaurantee it was... the Machine.

There are a lot, but this is getting long and we haven't even mentioned phones. I have had a few cell phones, non of which have worked properly. First one always froze and dropped calls. I smashed that one. Second one was fuzzy, and had horrible reception, and all the sudden refused to text by rebooting everytime I tried. Gave that to my brother. My current phone (which was Cass's old one) always freezes and erases my texts. Cass says it did that when she had it, but that's only cuz she was married to me!

Which brings me to today. At about 4 o'clock pm, I picked up my dad's house phone to make a call. But was there a ring tone? Nossir, thar wadn't!! And when you tried to call, it was busy, but neither line was being used. Dad said, "Has that ever happened before?" I said, "Nope, I have never seen that before." Eventually, he called the phone company and they straightened it out. Still no clue what that was, but twas mighty maddening since we needed to find my bro's who had not come home yet.
Coincidently, I had planned to do this little essay before the current phone debacle. Today just further confirmed my condition. Many Machines are my allies, and I will live side by side in harmony. But, one day I shall head a battle against the evil ones, and use my curse to fight the good fight. The Terminator, Matrix, you get the idea.
I'm not sure what to call it. But it is real, and someone should give me money for my disability. Donations?
On a side note, I haven't done a top ten list for awhile, any suggestions? I could do movies (like Cass did! ) which then I would have to do soundtracks and the like, of course. Anyway, I have a ton in the pocket, what would you like to see?
UPDATE: The internet froze and kicked me off a couple times before I could publish this.


2 comments:

Jeff said...

You have my sympathy. Next time I am on Guitar Hero I will play a good Rage song for you--maybe "Bulls on Parade."

Have you ever considered that maybe you are not human? You could be a super machine and other machines are terrified of you and freeze up when you come around. Or maybe you are an alien like E.T. hehe.

Brendo2008 said...

Some things don't work for me either.

You didn't touch any toys before you got on to the computer?

Lead poisoning, maybe its something to do in the air or this odd weather he get when they say we get rain and it snows 20 ft.